Knock
by piperholmes
Summary: episode tag on for "Unholiest Alliance" because the photos suggested this could be a possibility. Takes place between being at the precinct and the final scene at the church. "Knock and it shall be open unto you"
**Knock**

 **By: piperholmes**

 **A/N:** **episode tag on for "Unholiest Alliance" because the photos suggested this could be a possibility. Takes place between being at the precinct and the final scene at the church.**

 **Unbeta'd**

"A pawn for a Bishop…"

Dodd's words rang through Carisi's mind as he strode away, his legs working fast, not entirely sure where he was going, just needing to get away. It was just a game for them, the church moving people around like pieces in a chess match. Did anyone care that Cara was dead? Sister Nina? All she'd done was try to save others and she'd been…

He shook his head.

He couldn't think about that right now.

" _The cancer isn't within my church. It's within you…"_

"Carisi"

The sound of his name broke through his muddled thoughts, and he turned to see Amanda walking quickly to catch up. Her face was determined and he realized she'd probably been trying to get his attention.

"Yeah?"

She waited to answer him until she'd caught up to him fully, a weak smile on her lips. "Wanted to see how you're doing, with, you know, everything that's happened."

She shifted a bit, her words awkwardly slipping. He knew her well enough to know what she was trying not to say. She was trying not to point out how badly the church, his church, had screwed up.

He gave a shrug. "I'll be fine."

She nodded and Sonny watched as her eyes darted about for a moment, searching for something to say.

The corner of his mouth twitched upward for a moment. She was trying.

"I mean it, I'll be fine," he insisted, before adding, "but thanks for asking."

His hand reached out to her arm, his fingers sliding down to her elbow, a simple offer of affectionate and appreciation before dropping his arm back down.

A small, not uncomfortable silence grew between them, before Amanda asked.

"You heading out?"

"Yeah, I guess, right now there's nothing more for us to do at the moment, and I jus'…I don't know, I jus' need to get outta here for a minute, you know?"

She nodded again before straightening her shoulders. "Sure, I get it."

He began to walk passed her when she called out to him once more, and, at his questioning look, said, "Give me just a minute to grab my stuff, I'll join you—if that's alright?"

They'd grown closer over the last year but the strong sense of gratitude shocked him. He counted Amanda as a friend and he liked to believe she felt the same towards him, and realized he was grateful for this evidence of their progress.

"Uh…yeah, I don't mind."

Her brow lowered as it always did when she felt uncertainty. "Are you sure? I mean I don't want to intrude. If you'd rather be alone, I'd understand—"

"No," he quickly interrupted. "No, not at all. I'd appreciate the company."

She wavered for a moment before seeming to decide he was being honest with her, then ran back towards the bullpen to get her things. She jangled the keys as she walked passed him, knowing he'd understand her silent offer.

She drove, which suited Sonny just fine. He had no problem driving, but between the two of them Amanda's more rural upbringing meant she had more experience and, as she had admitted to him, she liked it.

They remained quiet as they pulled out of the parking garage, until she asked, "Dining out or dining in?"

He thought for a moment. "I don't know. Let's find out what kinda day Jesse had, but I'm leanin' towards just cookin' somethin', ya know? Keep it simple, low key. Does that work for you?"

She gave him a disbelieving smirk. "You offering to cook dinner? That works just fine for me."

He took the compliment with an accepting nod. He knew she liked his cooking, and honestly, he liked cooking for her. Cooking helped Sonny. It took his mind off whatever was bothering him and helped him relax. Cooking for others always made him feel better too. Sonny liked being useful, and if he was willing to be honest, despite the fact that they were careful to not talk about it yet, cooking for Amanda and Jesse made him feel particularly valued.

"Hey," she said suddenly, "you're awfully quiet."

He actually gave an amused scoff.

She smiled, despite herself. "What? You know you're not the quiet type Carisi."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he acknowledged softly but good naturedly.

"Look, I know you don't necessarily need someone to talk to, I know you're close to your family, but," she gave a little shrug, her eyes on the road, "I'm here, you know, if you ever need to talk."

He turned to look at her, even though she refused to look at him, like he knew she would, but it was something, her offer.

"I can't," he began.

She nodded quickly, as if she'd been expecting his answer. "I understand, but the offer still st—"

"No, I mean, I can't talk to my family," he explained. "Not about this anyway."

This time she did look at him, briefly, encouraging him to continue.

"I mean this is the Church, this is…you'd think I couldn't talk to them about my job, but that's not how it is between us. We talk about everything. I don't go dropping every detail or anything, but they know everything we deal with, they know the things we see, but it's always been ok because there was somewhere safe to go. Even with all the evil and ugly in the world, there was, peace, I guess, in goin' to church. My ma, other than her kids or her grandkids, the church is her life."

"They have to know what's going on," Amanda pointed out.

"They do," he answered quickly. "They keep buggin' me for information, but I just can't bring myself to tell 'em, you know?"

Amanda nodded like she understood, but her eyes were weary.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I know this isn't somethin' you believe in."

"No, no, it's fine" she said in a rush before adding, "I mean I don't really know what I believe, but I look at Jesse and I think, or I guess I hope, that there is some greater good out in the universe, whether that's God or not…" She shrugged. "But it doesn't matter what I believe, I'm happy to listen or help if I can. You have faith Carisi. Faith that I don't exactly understand, but if that faith is what makes you the kind, considerate, compassionate man that you are then I say it's something worth holding onto."

"You mean that?" he asked, knowing his surprise was clear.

"I do."

Her eyes met his for a moment, clear and blue and honest.

They grew silent, both pondering her confession and what it meant.

He sighed. "It's a lot to take in. These men, these men of God, they were doing some terrible things, or standing by and allowing terrible things to happen, and instead of standing up and saying 'we made mistakes and we're workin' to fix it, to make sure it never happens again' it feels like they are jus' tryin' to cover it all up, pretend it never happened. Is that really where I want to place my faith?"

He didn't expect an answer to his question, his gaze unseeing as the city passed them by, his thoughts a jumbled mess of emotion and half- formed ideas.

"I'm probably the last person to talk to about this," Amanda offered, "but I know a little something about putting your faith in the wrong people. I know what it's like to have a person in power abuse that power, and how used and betrayed you are left feeling…how humiliated and ashamed."

 _Betrayed_

 _Humiliated_

 _Ashamed_

The words struck Sonny hard, a click of realization. She did understand, better than he did.

"Men make mistakes, and sometimes they make more than mistakes, they make terrible, awful, selfish choices. I don't know a lot about God, but do you believe He's that way?"

"No," his answer came fast, firm, confident. "No I don't."

"Do you feel betrayed by God?"

Again he answered quickly, "No, not by God."

"Well, it doesn't sound to me like you've lost any of your faith in God," She observed softly, "but what about the Church?"

Sonny shook his head, a bit taken aback with how quickly she had helped him sort through his thoughts.

"I think I'm afraid to admit how badly it hurt—hurts—to know my trust has been misplaced," he acknowledged.

"Sister Nina gave her life to protecting those girls," Amanda said suddenly. "And we interviewed person after person, nuns and priests and teachers, all working to help those girls have a better life."

"Yeah, while others were the reason they were in this mess in the first place," he pointed out, not trying to hide his anger.

"People are never going to be perfect Carisi."

"I know," he sighed.

"Just don't…" she started, then stopped.

"What?"

She hesitated.

"Don't what?"

"Don't feel guilty about feeling the way you're feeling."

Sonny gave a chuckle. "I'm Catholic Amanda, I feel guilty about everything."

She smirked at him. "Well you know more about it than I do, but, just allow yourself some time."

"Copy that," he answered, taking in her advice, pondering her words.

Through the fog of his thoughts and emotions, a realization began to creep in.

"Where we goin'?"

The turn for her apartment had been several roads back, but still she drove.

"Just a quick stop maybe," she answered.

Glancing out the window he knew, he just knew where she was taking him.

"Yeah, maybe just a quick stop."

They spent the rest of the 10 minute drive discussing dinner options, settling on lemon parmesan chicken and roasted Brussel sprouts. A year ago she couldn't imagine spending an evening eating Brussels sprouts with Carisi, but now it was her favorite evenings of the week.

She slowly pulled into the parking lot, putting the car in park, and giving him a significant look.

He looked back at her, an overwhelming sense of appreciation spreading through him as he took in her tired eyes and lazy frown. She wasn't one to play to sentimentality, but her gesture meant a lot to him.

"Come with?" he asked, pulling his rosary out of his coat pocket.

The corner of her lips twitched up, but she shook her head. "Nah, but it's a nice day. Walk ya to the door?"

"I'd appreciate that."

Despite the cold, the sun was shining and they walked along in silence to the door of the church.

"You sure you're alright to wait out here?" he asked, his hand on her arm, mindful of the chilly weather.

She gave a dramatic shake, burrowing into her coat. "I'm sure. It's nice out here."

"I won't be long," he promised, his hand sliding down to where her hands hid in her pockets before letting go.

"Take your time," she said. "I'll be here when you come out."

Sonny had to resist the impulse, the urge to pull her close for a moment, to show her affection, appreciation, to return the tenderness she was showing him.

Instead he reached out to turn her collar up a little higher, affording her a little more protection to the icy wind, his fingers lingering on the fabric of her coat as his rosary clinked on her buttons.

She looked up at him, her bottom lip tucking up between her teeth, making her look more adorable and more vulnerable than she normally would allow Sonny to see.

"Maybe….maybe someday," she said softly.

He smiled at her, the skin around his eyes crinkling. "I look forward to it."

 **Thanks for reading!**


End file.
